Hospitals
2014–2024
Nurse: There are many unseen forces at work.
Patient: I'M A POSTGRADUATE! I WROTE A HUNDRED PAGE THESIS!
Me: Oh really? What did you conclude?
Patient: THAT YOU'RE STUPID!
Me: It took a hundred pages?
Patient: THE ABSTRACT IS A PARAGRAPH!
Me preparing to treat a patient in pain: Why don't you tell the tech that joke you told me earlier.
Patient: There's a daddy olive and a baby olive in a tree. Suddenly a gust of wind blows the baby olive out.
Me pushing Dilaudid: This is a good joke.
Patient: And, uh.... The, uh, daddy olive says to the baby olive... uh....
Me: The daddy olive asks the baby olive...
Patient: Oh yeah! The daddy olive asks the baby olive, "are you alright?" And the, uh...
Me: What does the baby olive say?
Patient: Uhhhh... oh! Wait. What does the baby olive say? I forgot.
Me finishing the Dilaudid: The baby olive says, "I'm O-live!"
Patient: Oh yeah!
Confused Patient: You and me both remind me of each other.
Me: Could you listen to his lungs for me?
Medical Student listening: Hmm, what do you think?
Me: I don't know, I haven't listened to them. That's why I asked you.
Medical Student: I don't know.
Me: Ok. Are they clear or coarse?
Medical Student: They're iffy.
Me: Iffy?
Nursing Assistant: The difference the sun makes to your mood is actually sickening.
Me pointing to 40 year old phone: Is that a working phone?
Facilities Director picks up phone: No.
Me: Why is there a nonworking phone in the morgue?
Facilities Director: I don't know.
Later, in the Boiler Room
Facilities Director: Look, another phone!
Me: Does it work?
Facilities Director picks up phone: No.
Surgeon: Abdominal binders are like cocktail dresses.
Me: I don't know anything about cocktail dresses.
Surgeon: Exactly.
I know you're scared, but I'm holding the rope.
Patient: The doctor just told me that I'll need to get an ICBM.
Me chuckling: Oh yeah?..
Patient: I'm not getting a cruise missile, am I?
spells of decreased attentiveness
anxiety disorder, unspecified
overdose
seizure like activity
unspecified convulsions
borderline intellectual functioning
headache, unspecified
other problems related to lifestyle
other specified personal risk factors, not elsewhere classified
other symbolic dysfunctions
Dying Patient: I think I'll miss nature the most.
AND (Allow Natural Death), Covid Unit, SpO2 18%
Patient: What do I do? Do I just go to sleep?
Me:
Patient: smiling
Me: Yes.
Me: Welcome to Covid.
Through that wall is the ICU.
That way, the North Halls...and home.
Which way do you want to go?
Patient pointing north: That way.
Me: Good. Let's get to work.
ICU Charge Nurse, posting a sign on the glass wall of a COVID room
Patient: What does that say?
ICU Charge Nurse: It just says that you're a PCCU patient.
Patient: What does that mean?
ICU Charge Nurse: It means you are on IO status.
Patient: What?!
Me: It means you aren't the sickest person here.
Patient: Oh thank God.
Patient: What happened?
Me: You were in cardiac arrest.
Patient: No shit.
Patient (Double Amputee): Can I tell you a story?
Me: Of course!
Patient: After I got these cut off, a nurse said to me, "I've got news for you. Your dick is longer than your legs."
Me:
Patient: HAHAHA!
Me speaking to another RN: What exactly does a joule measure?
Doctor working nearby: It's the amount of energy in watts delivered in one second. So basically energy and time.
Me: Hmm. I really like having a cardiologist around.
Doctor: I just googled it.
Patient: THIS ER IS THE WORST ISLAND IN THE ODYSSEY!
Patient: I can remember your name now.
Nursing Assistant covering badge: Really?! What is it?
Patient: Majestic.
Nurse 1: Which one of these pill crushers do you want to keep?
Nurse 2:
Nurse 1: They've all had Seroquel in them.
A bouquet of sunflowers.
Jammed into a urinal.
Hanging by its handle.
On the visitor's chair.
Patient: Well, I don't like your socks.
Doctor: Some people like pineapples, some people don't.
Hydromorphone and the Hallmark Channel.
Peanut butter and chocolate.
Patient: Would you turn it to Fox?
Me flipping channels: Oh look, MSNBC! I'm going to leave this remote way over here.
Patient: Don't torture me.
Me: What do you like to be called?
Patient: You can call me daddy.
Me later: Hey "daddy"...
Patient: giggle giggle
Me: I have your Lovenox shot.
Me to patient who "just wants to die": So, good news, you're transferring to the tower. When you get there, would you do me a favor?
Patient: Uh. Maybe.
Me: They have big windows. You can see the mountains.
Open the shades.
Patient: I don't like natural light.
Me: You don't like natural light.
Patient: No
Me:
Patient: Okay, for you I'll open the shades.
Precepting, day 1
Nursing Student: Is this like the third principal?
Me: Yeah sure, these are principles.
Nursing Student: So what is it?
Me: We always win.
